Why Structured Proposals Matter in Co-Parenting
Making a proposal in a simple but structured way is crucial for effective co-parent communication during a divorce. When an email or text turns into a debate, bring it back to a proposal by asking: “What do you propose could work?”
This approach was developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. He encourages flexible thinking: be ready to make more than one proposal, since agreements are often negotiated and the first idea may not work. Stay open to multiple options.
Ask questions to understand each other’s perspectives. Avoid making demands or reacting impulsively. Remember: you both may have different beliefs about what’s best for your children, so you will likely meet somewhere in the middle.
Before making a proposal, do some research—and not only with people close to you who may be biased. Consider neutral sources, professionals, or school/medical schedules to inform realistic options.
Impulsive reactions derail progress. Challenging co-parents may criticize instead of asking questions, e.g., “How could you say that? You don’t care!” or “Why didn’t you offer that last month?!” Gently refocus on the proposal process. If you say “No,” be prepared to counter with a new proposal so the conversation keeps moving.
How to Put the Proposal Process Into Practice
Bill Eddy suggests two helpful planning steps: first, list negotiation topics and draft two proposals for each. Second, estimate the likelihood of acceptance—if you think a proposal has only a 25% chance, you’ll be less disappointed by a “No” and more prepared with proposal #2. This keeps the focus on what’s best for your child.
Step-by-step process: Parent A makes a proposal. Parent B asks clarifying questions. Once the questions are answered, Parent B responds with one of three options:
- “Yes.” You have an agreement—write it down.
- “No.” Parent B must make the next proposal.
- “I need to think about it.” Agree on how long is needed, what information is required, and when to resume the discussion.
Avoid asking “Why?” when clarifying—it leads to values-based debates you may never resolve. Stick to who, what, where, when, and how to keep the conversation productive.
If you’d like support incorporating this process into your co-parenting, feel free to reach out. We can help you prepare proposals, refine questions, and stay focused on your child’s best interests.