Making a proposal in a simple but structured manner is crucial for effective communication during a divorce. When an email or any
co parent to turn that message into a proposal, ex: “What do you propose could work?”.
This process was developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. He shares that to make a proposal you need to use flexible thinking. Be ready to make more than one proposal since agreements may need to be negotiated and the first one may not work out. Be open to multiple proposals.
Parents need to ask questions to understand each other’s perspectives. Avoid making demands, reacting or acting impulsively. Remember you both have separate beliefs about what is best for your children so you will have to meet in the middle somewhere.
Before making a proposal, conduct your research, and not just with people that are closest to you that may be biased. Seek out other support or information.
Impulsive reactions to proposals hinder progress. Challenging co-parents tend to criticize instead of asking questions. they express sentiments such as “How could you say that?, it shows you don’t care!” or “Why didn’t you offer that last month!!!!”. Reminding yourself or the co-parent of the proposal process encourages productive responses and prevents blanket rejections, otherwise they then must counter each “No” they give with a new proposal.
Two other suggestions that Bill Eddy had are to 1)write down a list of subjects that need to be negotiated followed by two proposals for each one so parents are prepared and 2)realistically try to rate the likelihood that the other parent might accept the proposal. If you decide that your proposal has only a 25% chance of being agreed upon then you will not be as disappointed when you get a response and you will put more effort into your second proposal. This will help you stay focused on the goal of what is best for your child and help keep you going during the problem solving process.
Here’s how Mr. Eddy’s Process works:
Parent A (wife) makes a proposal, Parent B (husband) then asks questions about that proposal. When his questions have been answered, Husband responds with “Yes”, “No” or “I need to think about it.”
If Husband responds with a “yes,” you have an agreement and you write it down.
If Husband responds with a “no,” he then makes the next proposal.
If he responds “I need to think about it” then have a discussion about how long he needs, and what additional information he may need to make his decision. And agree on a time to resume discussion of this proposal.
When asking questions about a proposal, avoid the question of “Why.” The why of it gets you in trouble, it often relates to different perspectives or values that the parents don’t agree on and may never agree on. Stick to who, what, where, when, and how.
If you would like guidance to incorporate this into your co-parenting skills, feel free to reach out to me.
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